Sometimes Life Doesn't Make Sense
This weekend has been one of the weekends that has made me question a lot of things about myself and why forming a relationship that leads to marriage is so hard for me. Over the years, I have dated several different girls that are so awesome, so fun, so spiritual and on paper, so perfect for me. For whatever reason, I have not been able to make the decision to marry them, or in some cases, even give them a real chance. I wanted to get this on paper so that I could attempt to explain something that has been a "mystery of heaven" for me.
What I originally perceived as being a quick and simple process has become the biggest challenge of my life. I have decided to try and put my feelings into words. If this doesn't make very much sense to you, all I can say is, welcome to the club.
I want nothing more than to be married. The thought of having a wife, a best friend and a companion that would become my eternal partner sounds like the best thing that anyone could ever dream of. I have never prayed more for something than to find and fall in love with my eternal companion. I see happy young couples and am filled with wonder at the amount of love and adoration that they share for each other. That shouldn't be something that causes wonder in the mind, but for me, it does.
It's weird, I don't struggle to love people. I have lifelong friends and family that I would do anything for. I immediately feel a connection and a sense of loyalty with people the day that I meet them. I tend to get along with just about everyone. I find great joy in meeting new people and sharing deep and vulnerable things with them. In regards to things like the gospel, new wards, and new jobs, I am able to jump in and give 100% of myself, resulting in high amounts of fulfillment.
For whatever reason, when I reach a certain point in a relationship (typically very early, after 2-3 weeks or so), I start to lose feeling, I lose excitement, I begin losing a sense of progression and I begin to feel like there may be another person out there that would help me feel something more. This leads me to show less love and affection towards the girl I'm dating, and it obviously affects the relationship in big ways. I notice other attractive girls and curiosity arises from within me. That curiosity is toxic and it causes questions and doubt. I begin to plead with the Lord for guidance and direction. I ask for more capacity to love and to give of myself to my girlfriend. I begin to read articles, talks, and blogs that talk about relationships and give advice. I search for answers and peace without finding anything of much significance. I do not know why these feelings start or where they come from, all I know is that they are very powerful and real. For some people, marriage may be a simple and easy decision to make while for me, it feels like a constant wrestle.
I suppose that it is something like a mission. For some individuals, having the faith to stay in the field and love the mission may be a real struggle, while for others, they couldn't imagine anything more rewarding and amazing. It isn't that those who struggle on missions are weak, or less devoted, or have less faith, but for them, it is a struggle that God is using to build them.
I get stuck between two general trains of thought. The first train of thought that I consider while feeling the confusing emotions is that perhaps I need to push harder or that I need to make a choice to love and love who I choose. I tell myself that I just need to give a little more and maybe the strong emotions will return. This train of thought is fueled by the following statements that people say to a single guy as he gets older:
"When are you going to settle down and let one of those girls have you?"
"If you'd just pick one..."
"You're not going to find the perfect person..."
"You're just chasing unicorns..."
"You're either too picky or you're not praying hard enough..."
"Ya know, the grass is always going to be greener..."
"Why/how are you still single?"
"What you see in Hollywood isn't reality..."
"Successful relationships require hard work..."
It is very possible that I am incredibly picky or perhaps that I am chasing a unicorn, but I can assure you that I have been praying long and hard for the Lord to help me overcome those prideful tendencies. I think to myself, if I am still single as a result of my pride and pickyness, I need to repent and change the way that I am dating. I have, on numerous occasions tried to force a relationship and have made a powerful attempt to choose someone despite my lack of feelings, and it has only ended in heartbreak (so far).
These poor experiences lead me to the other train of thought that perhaps I do need to look elsewhere. Maybe, for whatever reason, my path in life is a path of wandering and figuring out the challenge of marriage over a long period of time. This train of thought is fueled by the following advice:
"When you meet her, you'll know."
"When you find the right girl, it'll feel like coming home."
"It's okay to be selective, you deserve the best."
"You shouldn't have to talk yourself into it."
"You should feel lucky to be with her."
These two trains of thought are both supported by differing advice and I can feel truth in both of them. Hence the confusion. I don't know what to do or what is right. I don't know if there is a "right" answer or what that even means anymore. All I do know is that trying to work through this while in a relationship can be very hurtful to my girlfriend. It would be really hard to be in a relationship with someone who is present physically, but not entirely emotionally, especially once you are starting to feel strong emotions of love.
I hate it so much. I hate causing girls hurt. I hate being the reason for their tears. I hate being the person that causes heartache. I hate not being able to give all the love and support that they need. I hate not being able to confidently look them in the eyes and say, "I will never leave you" or, "I love you."
Up to this point in my life, this lack of clarity has led to breakup after breakup. I find myself being single and struggling to find excitement in meeting new people. The thought of a new relationship sounds difficult a fairly painful. If you felt certain that your actions were going to lead to heart break, would you be excited to carry out those actions? It is easy to feel like failure in relationships is almost a guarantee. My mind knows that failure isn't a guarantee, but my heart remembers the feelings of the past failures all too well. It is an exhausting thing.
At this point, I don't know if I am single because I am too influenced by pride in dating (picky, shallow, etc.) or if I haven't met the right (whatever that means) person. If I am single because of my own weakness, then I know, and have faith that changing my ability to love is a small order for the Lord of Lords. Either way, all I can do is try to prepare myself and be worthy of the girl that I will one day marry.
God is good. When I am weak, He is strong. When I am confused, He is sure. When I cry out to Him, He is there. Perhaps you too are experiencing something that is a "mystery of heaven" for you. Perhaps your personal mystery has tempted you to leave God's side or wander. You have maybe even made poor decisions because of your personal mystery. Please come back. God is waiting for you. He loves you. He can help you overcome any mystery, because to Him, there are no mysteries.
What I originally perceived as being a quick and simple process has become the biggest challenge of my life. I have decided to try and put my feelings into words. If this doesn't make very much sense to you, all I can say is, welcome to the club.
I want nothing more than to be married. The thought of having a wife, a best friend and a companion that would become my eternal partner sounds like the best thing that anyone could ever dream of. I have never prayed more for something than to find and fall in love with my eternal companion. I see happy young couples and am filled with wonder at the amount of love and adoration that they share for each other. That shouldn't be something that causes wonder in the mind, but for me, it does.
It's weird, I don't struggle to love people. I have lifelong friends and family that I would do anything for. I immediately feel a connection and a sense of loyalty with people the day that I meet them. I tend to get along with just about everyone. I find great joy in meeting new people and sharing deep and vulnerable things with them. In regards to things like the gospel, new wards, and new jobs, I am able to jump in and give 100% of myself, resulting in high amounts of fulfillment.
For whatever reason, when I reach a certain point in a relationship (typically very early, after 2-3 weeks or so), I start to lose feeling, I lose excitement, I begin losing a sense of progression and I begin to feel like there may be another person out there that would help me feel something more. This leads me to show less love and affection towards the girl I'm dating, and it obviously affects the relationship in big ways. I notice other attractive girls and curiosity arises from within me. That curiosity is toxic and it causes questions and doubt. I begin to plead with the Lord for guidance and direction. I ask for more capacity to love and to give of myself to my girlfriend. I begin to read articles, talks, and blogs that talk about relationships and give advice. I search for answers and peace without finding anything of much significance. I do not know why these feelings start or where they come from, all I know is that they are very powerful and real. For some people, marriage may be a simple and easy decision to make while for me, it feels like a constant wrestle.
I suppose that it is something like a mission. For some individuals, having the faith to stay in the field and love the mission may be a real struggle, while for others, they couldn't imagine anything more rewarding and amazing. It isn't that those who struggle on missions are weak, or less devoted, or have less faith, but for them, it is a struggle that God is using to build them.
I get stuck between two general trains of thought. The first train of thought that I consider while feeling the confusing emotions is that perhaps I need to push harder or that I need to make a choice to love and love who I choose. I tell myself that I just need to give a little more and maybe the strong emotions will return. This train of thought is fueled by the following statements that people say to a single guy as he gets older:
"When are you going to settle down and let one of those girls have you?"
"If you'd just pick one..."
"You're not going to find the perfect person..."
"You're just chasing unicorns..."
"You're either too picky or you're not praying hard enough..."
"Ya know, the grass is always going to be greener..."
"Why/how are you still single?"
"What you see in Hollywood isn't reality..."
"Successful relationships require hard work..."
It is very possible that I am incredibly picky or perhaps that I am chasing a unicorn, but I can assure you that I have been praying long and hard for the Lord to help me overcome those prideful tendencies. I think to myself, if I am still single as a result of my pride and pickyness, I need to repent and change the way that I am dating. I have, on numerous occasions tried to force a relationship and have made a powerful attempt to choose someone despite my lack of feelings, and it has only ended in heartbreak (so far).
These poor experiences lead me to the other train of thought that perhaps I do need to look elsewhere. Maybe, for whatever reason, my path in life is a path of wandering and figuring out the challenge of marriage over a long period of time. This train of thought is fueled by the following advice:
"When you meet her, you'll know."
"When you find the right girl, it'll feel like coming home."
"It's okay to be selective, you deserve the best."
"You shouldn't have to talk yourself into it."
"You should feel lucky to be with her."
These two trains of thought are both supported by differing advice and I can feel truth in both of them. Hence the confusion. I don't know what to do or what is right. I don't know if there is a "right" answer or what that even means anymore. All I do know is that trying to work through this while in a relationship can be very hurtful to my girlfriend. It would be really hard to be in a relationship with someone who is present physically, but not entirely emotionally, especially once you are starting to feel strong emotions of love.
I hate it so much. I hate causing girls hurt. I hate being the reason for their tears. I hate being the person that causes heartache. I hate not being able to give all the love and support that they need. I hate not being able to confidently look them in the eyes and say, "I will never leave you" or, "I love you."
Up to this point in my life, this lack of clarity has led to breakup after breakup. I find myself being single and struggling to find excitement in meeting new people. The thought of a new relationship sounds difficult a fairly painful. If you felt certain that your actions were going to lead to heart break, would you be excited to carry out those actions? It is easy to feel like failure in relationships is almost a guarantee. My mind knows that failure isn't a guarantee, but my heart remembers the feelings of the past failures all too well. It is an exhausting thing.
At this point, I don't know if I am single because I am too influenced by pride in dating (picky, shallow, etc.) or if I haven't met the right (whatever that means) person. If I am single because of my own weakness, then I know, and have faith that changing my ability to love is a small order for the Lord of Lords. Either way, all I can do is try to prepare myself and be worthy of the girl that I will one day marry.
God is good. When I am weak, He is strong. When I am confused, He is sure. When I cry out to Him, He is there. Perhaps you too are experiencing something that is a "mystery of heaven" for you. Perhaps your personal mystery has tempted you to leave God's side or wander. You have maybe even made poor decisions because of your personal mystery. Please come back. God is waiting for you. He loves you. He can help you overcome any mystery, because to Him, there are no mysteries.
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