To Kathryn.

It's Ours

Today we got our house. From the moment we saw pictures of the house, we knew that it was ours. I tried, with little success, to keep Kathryn's expectations low. You see, we had walked through so many homes that ended in heartbreak. Either the home cat-fished us and was incredibly disappointing to walk through or it was sold to someone the hour we walked through it. 

I pointed out the cons of the house. All the reasons of how it was going to let us down. Kathryn didn't listen and neither did my heart. An excitement welled within me all day as I anticipated the visit. I wanted to show everyone pictures of the house we were going to walk through.

When we pulled up to the house that night and opened the front door, I felt happy, hopeful, and calm. The house is small, newly refinished, and has an odd layout. What got us was the magic in the house. Every turn of the tour seemed to invite more magic.

Moment after moment, Kathryn and I would look at each other with that smile like, "It's good right?!"

I couldn't help but imagine the life of whimsy that Kathryn and I would build there together.

1. The house was built to gather. The sunroom in the back is absolutely stunning and opens up to the mountains behind it.
2. The garden boxes around the house were beautiful, quirky, and inspiring.
3. The paths around the house and to different parts of the yard were cute and cozy.
4. I was filled with dreams and vision of remodel, growth, love, and creation

At the end of our tour, Kathryn and I put an offer on the house. 48 hours later, the house was ours. I called Kathryn immediately to tell her the news. This was her reaction:

You want to know the best part? Knowing that I would get to build my life with Kathryn inside that home. We would get to turn it into whatever we wanted it to be. I got emotional knowing that it would be ours.  OURS. We will start our life together in that house. We will start a family in that house. We will start learning what it means to be one in that house. We will make it a refuge from the world. A safe and secure place where the spirit would heal hearts and comfort weary souls.

Making Her Mine

The choice had been made. I would be hers and she would be mine. Forever. We were signing up for the big leagues and we believed that we could go all the way. Now, all that we needed was a moment that represented our commitment to one another. What we needed was for me to get down on one knee. And before I could get down on one knee, I needed to give her dad a call.

I didn't feel nervous until about 5 minutes before the allotted time, and then it hit me:

"I was about to have THAT conversation." I was about to ask the other man in this world who loved Kathryn more than anything if He would support Kathryn and I starting our own family unit together. I grabbed a note pad and jotted down my thoughts and how I thought the conversation would go.

1. Tell him all of the things I loved about his daughter

2. Let him know that we would build a covenant home and family together

3. Ask for his permission to have Kathryn's hand

4. Get his advice on building a Christ-centered home

I called. He picked up. I told him that I'd like to tell him everything I loved about his daughter and ultimately ask for his blessing in asking her to marry me. He stoically responded with, "well Travis, tell me what you love about my daughter."

And well, I cried. I just loved her so much that the tears kinda just came falling out. My emotions didn't know how to handle that moment. I was full, and my cup was running over.

A few weeks went by and we were approaching Christmas break and Elizabeth getting home from her mission. We were also approaching Kathryn's birthday and I saw my opportunity.

From Thursday to Sunday, I had Kathryn plan on me taking her out every night to celebrate her birthday week. I also wrote her a series of notes that she would open throughout the week. Each note had a small watercolor painting to go with it. Small tokens representing milestones in our story. One for our first date, a second for our first kiss, a third for the first time I thought, "I love you", a fourth for the first time we said it out loud, and a fifth (to be opened the morning after I proposed) of me down on one knee.

Kathryn and I didn't end up going out on Thursday because I had the flu and we were nervous that it was maybe Covid. When Friday came around, we had a chill night and celebrated with a few gifts. Friday was designed to be a fairly normal night that we could just be together. Saturday was when we'd light some fireworks.

I woke up on Saturday morning with the weight of the world on my heart. The devil teamed up with my insecurities who had already formed a tag-team partnership with my bad habits and my familiarity with the single life. I carried that weight for most of the day and it climaxed when we walked through a home that was REALLY bad. We walked through it together just 2 hours before I was going to propose to her. I felt unprepared, scared, and emotionally overwhelmed. 

After walking through the house that smelt like cat urine, we parted ways for a couple of house. I knew I only had about an hour before I needed to set a few things up and I went to my room and hit my knees. I knew this was the right thing to do so I prayed for peace, perspective, and clarity. The weight lifted off of my shoulders enough for me to get the things I needed and climb into my car.

A member of the bishopric reserved a nice clubhouse for us in Orem. My sisters were there to help me set up candles, rose peddles, dinner and when the time came, take pictures. 

When the time came to go and pick her up, I hopped in my car and prayed all the way there. I was feeling afraid. Afraid of the commitment. Afraid of making it official. Afraid of leaving a life that had been good to me and signing up for a life I knew little about. I knew that perfect love casts out fear and I prayed for that love.

I knocked on her door. She swung the door open in typical Kathryn-fashion. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a white blouse. Black jeans. Black jacket. She was stunning. When I saw her and hugged her at her door, the fear that felt like 1,000 pounds just moments before, started to fall away. I was with her. Kathryn was mine and I was hers. It was time to make the step.

When I pulled up to the clubhouse and walked her in, my heart was racing. It was difficult to believe that this was the moment that I would get down on my knee and she would say yes. I led her into the main area where the scene had been set and I led her to her seat. She had a grin on her face that made me feel confident and calm. Happy to be with her.

I set my laptop on the table and played a video that I had made the week before. A series of 5 love songs and my thoughts about her in between each one. With each love song, I asked her to dance with me. As we slow danced in that lobby, I felt every single remainder of the weight that was on my heart was taken from me. I felt light, I felt full, and I felt love. I held Kathryn close. In part because I loved her so much and in part because I didn't want her to see how much I was crying.

I just felt so grateful that she was going to be mine.

"Our song" was the last of the five songs that was to come on. I took her hand to dance and we were dancing just like we were 9 months earlier in her kitchen when we shared our first kiss. Only this time, I wasn't wondering if I wanted to grow old with Kathryn, I knew I did. I was grateful for my surety. Grateful to feel so strongly for her.

I tried to speak to her during that time and instead, I let out a sob. Real smooth. 

The song ended. I got down on one knee and couldn't ask her the question because I was just too choked up.

I took my time. She put her hand down on the top of my head as she waited. She was with me.

I caught my breathe enough to look at her and say, "Kathryn, I want to grow old with you. I love you so much."

"Will you.. (sniffle) marry.. (sob) me?"

She said yes. She said yes! She was mine. And I was hers. 

We hung out too long in that clubhouse that night. Feeling happy. Calling parents. And soaking in the fact that we were signing up to be one.

My sisters captured all of it from behind a bush. :) Oh and I almost forgot! The stache was the magic that made it all happen. ;)

From a Walk to a Sprint

Something happened to Kathryn and I when we finally learned to let go of our fear. It was something magical about us seeing into one another. For months and months we didn't talk about commitments, timelines, or our future together. We were simply happy and together. 

We had been running an endurance race and we were both ready to run for a while. We both believed and wanted to end up together, we were just too scared to move to fast or do anything that might mess things up.

When God helped us see clearly, something magical happened. If we had been walking cautiously before, we went from a walk to a sprint. We talked about our future, we talked about kids, where we'd live and how we'd parent. We accidentally planned our honeymoon before we planned our wedding. We set a date for when we'd get married, went ring shopping, and I put that ring on her finger. 

We started dreaming together instead of separately. What might our lives look together? What would happen if two people were chasing whimsy together? What type of life, home and family could we build if we were doing it together? Two things became apparent very quickly. 

1. We weren't going to live an ordinary life.

2. I felt happy and grateful that I get to plan life with her.

Since it had been settled that we would be roommates, I told Kathryn that I thought we should buy a house. Two days after we agreed to that idea, we excitedly started house shopping.

God Helped Me Let Go

I got back from my McCall Idaho trip and I was going over to see Kathryn. On my way to her that day, something happened.

Up until that point, My pride was hurt and I felt insecure whenever we would talk about her business or money. That day, something changed. God heard the prayers of a boy who was fighting for his life and He stripped me of my pride. I got her a gift and showed up to her place. 

When I got to her, it was the truest that my eyes had ever seen her. Now, I had seen her truthfully and clearly enough in the past to love her and to choose her for the previous 6 months, but I had never seen her like this. 

I saw her for who she was and who she is becoming. God let me see her like He sees her. I didn't feel jealous. I didn't feel insecure. Those feelings were replaced by curiosity and love. I was filled with wonder by the most alive girl that I had ever met. I felt grateful that she was mine. I couldn't believe that it took me so long to see her. To truly see her. I was grateful that she waited for me until I did.

Journal Entry from August 10, 2020

I got to spend the end of the day with Kathryn today. It was so good. She came and celebrated Jared's birthday with us and she is just remarkable.

I legitimately found something deep inside me that allowed me to pour into her today. She is the most extraordinary person I've ever met and I get to be dating her. I love her. I want to cherish, honor, and celebrate all of what makes her incredible.

Fighting the Insecurities I didn't Know I Had

Journal Entry from August 6, 2020

I have never fought a battle inside of my heart like the one I am waging right now. 

I love Kathryn Jones and at the same time, there is so much about our relationship that makes my heart turn. I think it is mostly due to pride and insecurity. It is genuinely wild to be experiencing it. 

She lives at s fast pace. Accomplishing so much in short amounts of time. It invites me to live at that same pace or to fall behind. There doesn't seem to be another option.

But it isn't a me vs. her situation. It is a together situation. We can figure this out. I can figure my own situation out. We can be more together then we are in our own.

When Kathryn and I first started dating, we liked each other a lot, but we also scared each other to death. You see, it can be a terrifying thing for two entrepreneurs to tie their lives together. Will the ambitions of one person take priority or even extinguish the ambitions of the other?  I remember the anxiety of feeling like I was walking onto the set of batman and robin with the big yellow R on my chest. I wasn’t prepared to be anyone’s sidekick, but she was already wearing the batman suit. It's not that she didn’t look great in black, because she does, but I wanted to be the one wearing the batman costume so bad that I felt tempted to go and find a different set...

As we got closer to one another, I started learning about her ambitions and the beautiful motives that fuel them. I learned more about her gifts and how she chooses to use them to benefit others. I started to see who she really is and who she is becoming. With time, we learned that what we are creating has a lot more in common than we originally thought. Not because our products or deliverables are the same, but because our motives are. 

I believe that Jesus is the master of taking our motives and helping us craft them into something uniquely beautiful. When we are following Jesus, we are less worried about our creative path being better or worse than the path of a fellow traveler. Instead, we stand in wonder at the goodness that is spread through the gifts of others as they walk their path. We are grateful for the goodness that others spread through their gifts and ambitions. We do our best to learn from them while staying true to the path that we have been called to walk.

Kathryn and I now know that as long as we stay clear and focused on our shared ‘why’, nobody has to play Robin. And you want to know the best part? Neither one of us has to play batman either. Batman used a disguise and did his work in the dark. We both practice our gifts in the light and spread as much goodness to as many people as we can. And while the outcomes look a little different, we celebrate one another because in the end, our actions point back to Jesus.

Journal Entry from July, 2020

The last few days, I have been listening to scary close by Donald Miller and reading dream big by bob Goff. It has been almost therapeutic. Kathryn and I have been getting scary close lately. It is fascinating how vulnerable and scary things can feel. Her and I have differing applications of how we want our lives to look. I get the feeling though that we're going to end up overlapping on most things after a lot of communication.

Journal Entry from May 31, 2020

Kathryn came home with me to Boise! It was an action packed filled weekend. It was filled with boating, mtn. biking, pickle ball, and golf. I was legitimately so worn out. haha Church today was really special from home and all of the kiddos were really involved and nailed it. 

My family isn't the most chatty family in the world so there was a moment or two when Kathryn was left in the cold a bit, but she is such a champ and handled it really well! We chatted about family dynamics for almost the whole ride back. The conversation was deep, detailed, and amazing for legit the whole car ride.

Kathryn Jones is a remarkable girl and it feels more realistic that she just might be my person as time goes on. Way grateful for her.

Journal Entry from May 24, 2020

Birthday Update with Kathryn Jones

Kathryn picked me up for my birthday today and walked me through a series of 8 steps. Each step had an envelope with a letter to read and a corresponding bag to open. Each step of the way, I went opening letters, reading them, and then opening another bag. Each step was a simulation of entering disneyland, meeting Bob Goff, and living a Disneyland dream day. She got chips and a gatorade for the roadtrip, she made a playlist for me to guess where we were "roadtripping" to. This led to a bag with a Mickey Mouse shirt inside and I learned that we were going to a simulation of Disneyland.

We got to "Tom Sawyer Island" where she revealed that the next book of Bob Goff was on it's way ( I love him deeply). We then opened up a raft and inflated it to go onto "splash mountain". It was really awesome. Before getting back, we opened up sparklers to represent the firework show, blew out candles on a mini cake, and just felt so so grateful for her. When we got back to my place, we tried calling Bob Goff in her car just to see what would happen and mainly to show me the message that she had ran into several times trying to connect with him. 
HE PICKED UP THE PHONE!

We chatted with him for a 1 minute and he told us to come and see him on the Tom Sawyer Island in Disneyland. 

It is safe to say that today was a really magical day. I have my roommates and a really amazing girlfriend to thank for that. 

Kathryn Jones is just a remarkable person. I am learning so much about her the more I spend time with her and I'm grateful for all that I'm learning. She is helping me to grow and be a better person. I am becoming more with her than I did with any other girl that I have dated before. She is simply remarkable. I'm very grateful for her. She will be coming back to Boise with me this coming week.  Very excited for my family to see how awesome she is. :)

The Wrestle

Never before had I been more scared of a girlfriend in the past. Never before had my heart felt so torn. And yet, I never wanted to say goodbye to her. I never wanted to look for someone new. 

Over several conversations, I started to better understand that it was more about my pride than it was about any weakness of Kathryn's. While it was nice to get clarity on that piece, dealing with pride is difficult to do in theory. In practice, it can feel impossible.

A Journal Entry from April 18, 2020

Dating Kathryn,

For 17 days, Kathryn and I went on a hard quarantine from each other. For most of the time, we did so well and we talked a ton via phone, text, marco-polo, and video chat. There were a few days that got pretty difficult for me. I felt really conflicted inside due to a story I was telling myself about Kathryn and money. Here is the deal. She has a lot of money. She also has the skills and ability to increase that money exponentially. This seems to be 100% good news, and I think that through a truthful lens, it is and it is beautiful.

Something that has happened in my head though has made it less clear. 

1. I have been mentally prepared to provide financially for a family and I think that not being needed in that regard (if we get married) has been interesting to grapple with.

2. I noticed that whenever we would talk about money, there was a weird sense of insecurity that I experienced and I would hope for that conversation to end as soon as possible.  Pretty interesting right?

3. For a few days of our long distanced quarantine, there were a few days that she was really stressed "not in a good headspace". During those days, I told myself the story (in less harsh words) that "she thinks that she is too good for me." "All of the things she does with her time are more important than me." Naturally I became a little bitter towards her.

3.5 Isn't it crazy how that can happen? we let a fictional story of someone turn against them in real life. It is actual insanity.

Since feeling those things, I have been digging really deep. It is something that I need to know and figure out. I started with prayer, scriptures, and have spoken about it with people I trust. 

On the surface level, I feel a sense of jealousy or envy towards Kathryn. I see where she is at financially and it is tempting to compare. Beneath Jealousy, lies pride. Pride entices us to compare ourselves others and pits us in a never-ending competition against others. Beneath Pride is Enmity. Or in other words, hatred. A piece of us begins to hate those who have more or less than us. Beneath hatred, is fear. Potentially a fear tied to an insecurity that we've carried around our whole lives.

My insecurity (I think) - I am not enough. --- And naturally, due to the natural man in me, I feel enmity towards those who wake up that insecurity and make me feel as though I'm not enough. I begin to treat those people as if they've told me I'm not enough when really all they have done is find success. Rather than rejoice with them in their successes, I have had to pretend to be excited while I was secretly stewing in rotten jealousy.

While studying and praying about this trend of thought, I have leaned heavily on The Lord. I know that these feelings don't come from a place of truth. These emotions arise due to a story that is a lie. The worst part, I'm the one telling the lie.

So I'm focusing on Charity. I'm trying to learn what it truly means to want the best for people without thinking of how it will make you look. I want to be someone who gets overjoyed with their friends because of their successes. I want to be someone who is confident with themselves and who they are irrespective of a number in a bank account.

During that quarantine apart from one another. I spoke on the phone with a good friend named Kyson. We talked through some of the things I was experiencing and he helped me identify different perspectives and thought processes I could consider.

One thing was certain, I was afraid.

In scripture we are taught that love casts out all fear. I wanted to feel more love and I was determined to cast out my fear. So, I decided that I would do something for Kathryn. I decided to invest in her. Not financially, but rather, an investment of attention and intentionality.

We had joked about starting a dance crew together. I decided to go full send and turn our inside joke into a reality.

Logo - check

T shirts - check

Head bands - check

Extra tv so we could watch ourselves and the instruction video? - double check.

I had a great time with her that night. It felt good to be intentional about being with her even when I was feeling scared. Looking back at the video, if you look closely, you can sense the fear that was between us. We were crazy into each other, but we were still playing scared.

"I love you Kathryn Jones"

I didn't say it out loud, but I thought it loud and clear. I got to see her with her mom, her sisters, her brothers, and her dad. I got to see her in the place where she grew up with the people she grew up with. She was gentle, kind, and being with her there felt like home. I was kneeling with her during a family prayer when I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude. That is when, for the first time, I felt like I found the girl I was going to marry. That is when I knew that I was hers, and she was mine.

Journal Entry from March 15, 2020

I'm sitting on a plane that is taking me back to Salt Lake after meeting Kathryn's family in Denver. There were a lot of moments this weekend that made me feel like Kathryn Jones is my person. It is hard to describe just how good and peaceful I felt about her while with her family. I felt a lot of love for her and found myself clenching her hand during family prayers thinking, "I love you Kathryn Jones." I am so so grateful for her. I'm grateful I've found her. I want to make her feel like she is the luckiest person in the world because that is what she does for me. Today, I'm deciding that I will do everything I can to maker her infinitely happy.

Remarkable.

Adjective - Worthy of attention; striking or extraordinary.

Remarkable is a word that I didn't use often. I didn't have anything against it, it just wasn't a word that crossed my mind all that often. There weren't many things in life that caused me to pause, ponder and genuinely think, "remarkable."

That is, until I met her. I witnessed her bold ambition, her unconquerable spirit, and her extraordinary soul, I could think of nothing to say except, "You're remarkable Kathryn Jones."

Journal entry after journal entry, I found myself lost for words and ended up submitting a simple, "She is remarkable." I somehow hoped that these words would communicate how incredibly special this person was and how important she had become for me.

I was a boy who was falling in love with the most remarkable person I had ever met. She was powerful, yet gentle. She was bold, yet kind. She was confident, inquisitive, and engaging. She knew how to entertain a crowd, but more impressively, she could make anyone feel like they were the most important person in the room.

The remarkable nature of Kathryn Jones seemed to pull me in and push me away at the same time. I felt pushed away by the insecurities inside of me that violently revolted when I took steps toward her. They told me I wasn't good enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, and not busy enough for someone as remarkable as her. A lot of the time, I believed that voice. Their words sank into the deepest pits of my heart and loitered like an anvil.

I pushed myself to work harder, start more projects, and dream bigger. While those are good and beautiful things, I think I was doing them for the wrong reasons. Believing that I wasn't good enough, and thinking that she believed that too pushed me to try and do too many things at once.

At the same time, in the most extraordinary way, her eyes, words, energy, and spirit pulled me toward her. I felt comfortable, daring, charming, and capable when I was with her. I somehow felt like I could do anything and everything. 

While I did experience strange and powerful bouts of fear, stress, and insecurity, I also never wanted to say goodbye to her. You could say that it was a conflicted time and my insides felt divided.

That Night, I felt small

I'm the kind of guy who has never felt the need to have fancy things or shiny toys. I love to work with my hands. I love making something out of nothing. I am accustomed to using things up, wearing them out, making do, or doing without.

I pursued a degree in psychology and have chased my dreams in the non-profit realm with a burning passion for education. I guess in some ways, I may have traded the idea for temporal wealth with the idea of purpose and meaning. 

I never really considered that you could do both. (shrugging emoji)

Kathryn's dreams were directly tied to money. Not because she craved money, but because she has a healthy perspective of money's role as a tool to enable impact. I couldn't see that at the time.

One night, I tried to bring it up to her. I was nervous. We had only been dating a few weeks. How was I going to tell this girl that I felt uncomfortable with the way she spoke about money. How could I tell her that I couldn't quite tell where her priorities were. 

Trembling, I opened my mouth. 

"Kathryn, Sometimes when we talk about money, I feel myself get uncomfortable."

PAUSE. What I didn't know at the time was that Kathryn was carrying around a lot of baggage from past relationships. More than one boy had attacked her for pursuing her dreams. UNPAUSE

When I brought up my concern to her that night, her heart sounded the alarm. She sensed an assault and counter attacked without a second to spare.

I opened up a can of hurt and broken trust from past relationships that I couldn't have known was there. She talked at me for a good portion of time. I sat and listened. But more than anything, I shrank. She told me I was afraid, that I didn't dream big enough, that she was going to have fancy and extravagant things in her life and if I didn't want them, then she'd do them without me. 

I was crazy about this girl. I wanted her to be crazy about me. She was the most alive person I had ever met. She carried herself in a way that reeled me in like a fish on a line. That night, I was on my heels. I was speechless. I looked at her in terrified desperation. I wondered if that is how our relationship would end. With a heated conversation in her kitchen. The same place we had shared our first kiss just a couple of weeks before.

That night as I walked out of her house, my insecure brain crafted 3 stories that were difficult for me to shake.

1. I'm not good enough

2. Her priorities are mixed up

3. She thinks she is better than me

I knew her for 3 days...

It was the morning of February 7th and I wrote this in my journal:

At some point soon, I will let you read this. We matched on Hinge on a Saturday. It was the 25th of January. I'm not sure what it was Kathryn, but I saw something so incredible in your eyes. I immediately knew I wanted to meet you. When you actually responded to me and agreed to go on a date, I was too excited for my own good. All I knew was that:

1. You carry a lot of light with you
2. You're gorgeous
3. You text in rapid bursts 
4. You made me laugh

So there I was, feeling too excited for my own good and I called you on Sunday, the 26th. I feel like our passion and our playfulness high fived over the phone. When we hung up, I carried a decent sized grin on my face. A grin that is too big for one good phone call. I couldn't quite understand why I felt so good, but I knew for sure that you were a girl that I wanted to get to know. I somehow already felt comfortable. From the beginning of that phone call, I knew that I could be my full self with you. And that made me really happy.

At that point Kathryn, the unspeakable happens. you not only respond whenever I text you, but you initiate a few text convos WHILE YOU WERE at a career changing conference. I felt myself feel intimidated by you. Are you kidding me? Check out your success, your personality, your obvious goodness and of course the fact that you're stunning. (TBH, when you had your hair up with those glasses that night I came over to your place the day after our first date. WOW Kathryn, I was smitten) I knew we both lived with a lot of passion. I knew that we were both fun and playful. I knew that we could talk for hours. 

Needless to say I was both pumped and scared to meet you. I had built up some unusually large expectations in my head...And not only did the date live up to my expectations, it exceeded them. We had a good time exchanging some goodness and vibes after date one and all I knew was that I wanted to see you as soon as possible. 

Not even one full day goes by and I find myself on the phone with you hoping that you were free. You chose me over emails that you probably needed to respond to that night. You chose me when you probably needed to be prepping for your next day. We were together until 1:15. Questionable decision? Oh yeah. Would I do it again? Oh for sure. Will I do it again? 100%

I felt myself really connect with you on that night Kathryn. In a way that just made me feel so peaceful and comfortable. I had decided before getting to your house that I wasn't going to kiss you, but let me tell you how much I wanted to break. There was at least one moment on the couch that we were sitting there, eyes closed, listening to sad songs. Your hand was in mind and I looked over at you with a smile on your face and your eyes closed, I wanted nothing more than to kiss your cheek. For better or worse, I decided against it.

At the end of the night, you sat on the counter and for a second, my hands were on your knees and I legit was so dang close to kissing you on the mouth. For better or worse, I decided not to. 

I walked out of your apartment that night feeling giddy. Like a young kid who holds hands with a girl for the first time. I felt that kind of excitement. The cool thing about it was that it wasn't like a lustful feeling at all. My heart felt like it was home. I felt almost like my soul hugged yours. 

I'm going to see you again tonight Kathryn. Today is the 7th of February. I am really excited to be with you again. I am grateful for you. I am grateful that you are a hustler, grateful for your goodness and so stinking grateful that you seem to get me. Really get me and I want so badly to get you. To be your biggest support. Your best friend. 

I'm writing this just two weeks after having matched on a dating app. 3 days after our first date. Imagine what I'll be writing in a month.

We texted all day. We were so incredibly open with each other and we flirted each others ears off. With a heart full of excitement and confidence, I made a gameplan to kiss Kathryn that night. Here was my last text to her before I left my house:

I met her brother that night and I helped set up a dresser that he was putting together from Wayfair. After he left, we talked about books and family while we ate dinner. We then made our way over to her cute yellow couch and put on some tunes. It wasn't long before she looked at me and said, "so you're going to dance with me eh?

I took her hand and we stepped into her kitchen. After spinning her around a time or two, we held each other close. After 2-3 songs, I knew it was time and felt myself getting more and more nervous by the second. With sweaty palms on her hips, I pulled my head back off of her shoulder. She left her arms up on my shoulders and pulled her head back to look into my eyes. I went in for the kiss, she met me half way.

And as they say in the fairy tales, the rest was history. I walked out of her apartment that night wondering if she was the girl that I would marry. In the song that let to our first kiss, it ends by saying, "I want to grow old with you." I thought to myself, "maybe, just maybe." All I knew is that it felt like I had known her forever and I couldn't wait to see her again.

The Windows to the Soul

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul and I believe that is true. 

Have you ever looked at a person and seen so much light in their eyes that you thought, "man, I HAVE to meet them." Part of it is curiosity. What are you doing to carry so much light and can you teach me? Part of it is attraction. Wouldn't it be amazing to spend more time looking into those eyes and feel the light that seems to shine out of them? The last part is awe. 

That is what I experienced when I saw Kathryn for the first time. Well.. when I saw her picture for the first time.  I scrolled upon her on an app called Hinge. I had a love-hate relationship with dating apps. I was stuck in something of a cycle.

Step 1: I'd download em on my phone and start off with great intentions. I would match with a few cool girls, take them out and then nothing. 

Step 2: I'd accidentally end up window shopping for weeks without going on a single date from my matches. 

Step 3: I got frustrated at the apps, myself, and the world in general and I would uninstall the apps for a few weeks to catch my breathe.

I was in the beginning phases of step 3. Frustrated at myself for the weeks of window shopping and was on the verge of uninstalling the app. Then, something happened. I came across a girl with so much light in her eyes that I was immediately mesmerized. 

I scrolled from picture to picture and saw the same light. She seemed to be really into books and claimed to eat a dozen cinna-bites in one sitting so I knew she must be cool. This girl had something that I wanted. Curiosity, attraction, and awe overtook me and I knew that I had to meet her.

I took a deep breath, punched in a message that seemed interesting enough to warrant a response and hit send. She quickly responded and I was in business! With hope in striking up a conversation, I sent another few messages her way. Nothing. I waited an hour, and nothing. 24 hours later, still nothing. 72 hours later, and NOTHING.

Bummed, but not heart broken (I didn't know her after-all), I prepared to finish step 3 and uninstall the app for a few weeks. I opened up the app to uninstall it and quickly looked back through her profile. Scrolled through her pictures and... yup, it was worth one last shot.

The message: "Hey Kathryn! I'm gonna get rid of hinge soon, but wanted to reach out to you first! You seem way rad and I think it'd be fun to meet you! If you'd be down to meet up, let me know and we can exchange numbers!" 

Within 30 seconds she responded with her number. I looked at my phone in unbelief. It worked! It actually worked. I texted her from my phone to make sure that it was the right number, she responded, and I uninstalled the dating apps from my phone.

I had no idea who this person was, but the light that came from the windows of her soul revealed so much goodness that I had to take my shot. With her number in hand, now I could.

The Dating Journey that Led to Her

Chapter 1

I got home from my mission in September 2012. I was more confident than I ever had been in my life. Confident that God loved me. Confident in myself. Confident in my abilities to make goals, and accomplish them. I road back to Rexburg for my first semester back at college singing at the top of my longs, "life is not tried, it is merely survived, if you're standing outside the fire."

I was ready to jump into the fire. I was ready to date, and I was confident that I would meet and marry my wife before 2014.

BYU-Idaho was heaven. Thousands of beautiful girls just waiting to meet me. I went on first dates every other day. When I wasn't on a first date, it was because I was meeting new girls at a game night or getting girls' numbers at dances. I was so good at flirting that I did it on accident. I was like a kid collecting tickets at the state fair as I filled my phone up with numbers.

It was the adventure of a lifetime. There was a never-ending stream of beautiful, interesting, and spiritual girls at every turn. My problem, it was impossible to pick just one. I was a kid in a candy shop and everything looked too good to be true. I was just a guy at Baskin Robbins who wanted to try all 31 flavors. And to make things worse, most of those flavors wanted me to try them too.

Chapter 2

As my BYU-Idaho journey started to come to an end, I took one step towards growing up. I had now been home from my mission for 3 years, I was 25, and I started to realize that trying every flavor at Baskin Robbins wasn't the best way to walk out of the store with an ice cream cone who wanted to spend forever with you. I started to buckle down and search for my person. Fun time was over. It was time to get serious. With increased attention and focus, came greater frustration.

The harder I tried, the more elusive the commitment became. Confusion reigned supreme as I went from one love interest to another. Here is a sampling of journal entries during that period that sum up my experience as a 24-29 year old single guy living in Provo UT.

Journal Entry from September 7, 2015

Well, I believe my decision has been made. It looks like tomorrow, I will be a single man again. It makes me want to throw up. I do consider myself to be very blessed, but I can honestly say that this has been so hard for me.

Journal Entry from October 29, 2015

Zippity Zappers! I hope that if your'e reading this, you can look at me and ask, "dad, you need to explain more about your dating life." This is a real trial to me. my girlfriend and I are no longer a thing. It was so weird. I felt like she was begging me to break up with her yesterday and that ended up happening.

Nothing makes much sense to me, but it is just part of life. Hope and Animo. Commitment and marriage is a hard thing to sign up for. Once you find someone you don't want to say goodbye to, you can't let her go.She is somewhere out there! Be hopeful and prayerful. Keep marching on. Hang onto her hand and the Lords!

Journal Entry from January 1, 2017

Am I too selfish or prideful to really want someone? Or to really miss someone? Is there someone our there who would wake up those feelings inside of me?

I think that in large part, it is literally my choice. It is up to me. So if I start feeling like I no longer want to be in a relationship, am I letting the Father down? Am I letting myself down? Is my lack of ability to choose a wife a blaring personal weakness? Where does it all end? Will I ever date someone who makes me excited, pumped, lucky? Someone that I wont want to say goodbye to? Seems like a fairy tale to me.

Journal Entries from August 26th and 28th, 2017

I don't understand anything. I think my girlfriend and I will be over soon. Honestly, I know nothing.

Well, I am a lone man once again. I am desperate for that relationship in my life, but haven't been able to say "yes" to girls who have wanted it with me. It is serious madness.

Journal Entry from September 7, 2017

I feel like I am taking Crazy pills.

Journal Entry from October 29, 2017

Dear Wife,

Words can't express the gratitude that I have in my heart to have found you. I have prayed so many times to find you, to be worthy of you, and that you would have peace in your heart until we met. There are times that I think about you and am just so excited to be with you forever.

There are so many times that I wonder why I'm still single and in this position. I planned to be married so quick after my mission and was so sure that it was going to happen. In my mind it all seemed so simple. Set a goal, have faith in God, and boom... accomplish your goal. Over the years I have learned that it is a bit more complicated than that. Why?.. I'm not sure. Maybe you and I are figuring out some of those mysteries together.

A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting with a former psychology professor that I had back at BYU-Idaho. We were talking about my job and out of nowhere he asked me how my personal and dating life was going. After learning that I was single and figuring stuff out, he said something like, "It is a hard thing to be your age and still single. You have to almost pretend to be okay with it while listening to all the advice from everybody. Just know that there doesn't have to be a reason that you are still single. Also know that if you obey the commandments of God, you will prosper in the land." I loved that a lot and am trying to be more trusting of God's timing and his plan for me. It is a funny balance trying to be content as a single dude while trying my best to not be single anymore. Anyways..

If you're reading this, it means that we're engaged, married, or that I just really like you. I want you to know how badly I need you. I need a partner to set goals with, to work with, to talk with, to cuddle, to love, to help and support, and to raise a family with. I promise you that I will always do my best to maintain an attitude of gratitude about our relationship. I will always treat you with respect and love. I am so excited to serve you and make you the happiest woman on earth. My patriarchal blessing says the following about you and I:

[The piece from my patriachal blessing isn't included here. But trust me, it's good. :)]

Pretty sweet huh. We're going to do some amazing things together. I am so excited to serve with you, to grow with you, and to just love you. I'm sure that there will be some times where I for real am just an idiot. But I am just so pumped that we're together and will do my best to limit those times.

You are going to be the mother of my children. Wow I love that so much. The thought of being a dad brings me so much happiness at this point. I am so excited to have kids with you and I promise that I will always do my best to lead, protect, and provide for our family. I will be there for you, and I know that you'll be there for me too. Lets be sure that we're always doing things right and the best that we can. Lets do our best to do things just because the other person maybe likes it. Lets be better at forgiving and slower to judge. We've got big things ahead of us and I'm so stinking pumped.

I have been praying for a long time to have you. I'm sure it has been the same for you. Here's a cheers to the rest of our lives together. Cheers.

Journal Entry from February 1, 2018

It is strange to want something so bad

And that "something" is a righteous desire that is mandated by God.

And to feel so very far away from it even being a reality.

I am feeling like I am stuck in a weird place. I just got told by a girl that she isn't interested in another date. That is pretty crappy, but the worse part is knowing that I am inflicting this same type of pain on other people. I am so excited for the day when I can truly meet a girl half way. It will have to be a miracle. I suppose it's a good thing I believe in those.

Journal Entry on April 4, 2018

When dancing with Shelby, I kept feeling like she would rather be dancing with other dudes...maybe because she literally kept dancing with other dudes and suggested that I dance with other girls... I dunno, overall a weird ride emotionally in the girl spectrum.

Journal Entry from May 26, 2018.

So here is the sitch. I'm a bit interested in this girl. Our house of dudes is great friends with their house of girls. I did take her roommate out on a date two weeks ago which has made things rather difficult moving forward. I dunno, it's kinda funny how weird stuff can feel. Being 27 and single has some interesting parts to it.

haha that is amazing.

I wrote this list two months later when I learned she didn't want to date me. I was pretty bummed about seeing her go and made a list of things that I really liked about her. 

I really love how much of a friend to everyone she can be.
I love how outgoing and confident she is
I love how much she cares about her family
I love how real she is
I love her fun carefree and playful side
I love her ability to play hard
I love that she can be a rad host
I appreciate her competitive nature
I love that she never gets angry despite her competitive ness
I love that she loves sports and the outdoors
I love her easy going/low maintenance nature
She is grateful
She is kind

These are the things that drive me crazy. I am so attracted to hose things. I would really enjoy it if my wife we're to have those things.

Funny to see that you can have everything you want and so much more. 

Journal Entry on October 24, 2020

A few years ago a friend was telling me that in order to see if someone is really interested, I needed to take action. He said, "Travis, a firework doesn't light itself. Go light some fireworks." 

I sorta feel like I've lit several fireworks over the last little bit and none of them have turned into anything. They haven't even launched. I'm not depressed just underwhelmed. Haha

Journal Entry on January 3, 2020.

I think that the hardest part is wondering if it will ever truly be mutual. 

And so the scary thing that sinks into your heart and you start to think on accident is wondering if there is a girl out there that will make me feel lucky and at the same time I make her feel lucky. It sounds like a fairytale and at what point do you stop believing in fairytales?